brainfog while test-taking

i always thought the phrase “you’re not bad at studying, you’re just a bad test-taker” was a load of nonsense. now i think otherwise.

it’s weird to think about how i might have actually been studying the content for what it is, memorising the abbreviations and applying the formulas- but only while studying. when it’s actually time to take the test, to look at the words printed on the cold, white sheet of paper, it’s the exact moment my mind, my brilliant, innovative mind, decides to freeze.

who would blame her?

it is an impersonal environment, the room we take our exams in. with an irritable invigilator and hundreds of students surrounding me, taking the same exam in this room, the room across it and all the other rooms down the hall, there’s a kind of pressure that goes unsaid. the ticking of the clock fills my ears, gives background music to my thoughts and i find myself counting down the seconds, and eventually closing my eyelids shut.

in hindsight, i look at my tests and see that i, stupidly, marked the wrong answer choice instead of the right one simply because i was overwhelmed. questions that are supposed to be mark boosters end up derailing my score.

once again, i am filled with the dread of the past that haunts me, a present that i’m not sure i entirely consented to and a future which is a downward parabolic equation, possibly filled with anomalies.